Dr. Goulston gives us 4 R’s to heal a marriage that’s been hurt by infidelity: Remorse, Restitution, Rehabilitation, Request for Forgiveness.
Remorse is not the same as regret. When you feel regret you look back at something you’ve done and think, “Wow, that was a stupid thing to do. Wish I could go back and do it over, but I can’t, so let’s move on.” Regret makes people who’ve been hurt feel as if they have no right to be hurt. When you feel remorse, you think of your past actions and feel sick, ashamed, you’d give your eye teeth to have a do-over. But mostly? Mostly you just can’t stand that you hurt your spouse. Showing remorse for infidelity will help your hurt spouse feel cared for, listened to, and understood. You can show feelings of remorse by looking into your partners eyes, listening to them talk about their feelings of pain, and by expressing the pain you feel when you witness how much your actions have hurt them. Remorse requires courage to admit that you’ve made a terrible mistake, that your actions hurt someone you love, and that you’ll do whatever you need to do to be forgiven.
Spouses who’ve been cheated on feel as if they’ve had something stolen from them, they feel violated and taken advantage of. They need Restitution, which literally means, the restoration of something lost or stolen. You can help your spouse find restitution by showing remorse, and then asking them what they need from you so that they can begin to heal. Ask your spouse what you can do to give them back what they lost. They may say there is nothing you can do. Be patient, give them time.
Many times when a spouse cheats, they’ve cheated because they are angry or upset or disappointed with some aspect of their marriage. Rehabilitation is an excellent way to help your partner find Restitution. Get Rehabilitated. Show your partner that you’ve learned how to deal with your unhappiness in a healthy way, rather than in a way that is a betrayal to them (through infidelity). Show your partner that you are happy to have learned a new coping mechanism, and that you have confidence that you will be a trustworthy spouse from now on.
The last of the 4 R’s is Requesting Forgiveness. Dr. Goulston says it can take between six and eighteen months for a couple to heal from infidelity. If you’ve shown remorse, if you’ve given your partner restitution and rehabilitated yourself, you have the right to Request Forgiveness. You deserve a second chance. If your partner refuses to forgive you even after all 4 R’s, the problem shifts from you’re being unforgivable, to their being unforgiving. It’s up to them to stop Holding Onto A Grudge.