by Erika Krueger, LMFT
Divorcing families face a number of issues. My experience has shown me that the biggest issue divorcing couples face is learning how to effectively communicate with each other and co-parent, despite the tension and strong emotions that are being experienced.
Divorcing couples experience an escalation of distressing feelings, which leads to a breakdown of communication with all family members and individuals involved, including children. When this happens, emotions run high and reactions become intense. In situations such as these, children begin to feel unsafe. They are unsure of what parent to turn to in order to get the help and support they need during this stressful time. The parental unit breaks down and children are uncertain of who is in charge. This is a very scary place to be as a child. Many children begin to experience increased anxiety, depression, and stress.
Although it may be difficult for parents to put their personal feelings about each other aside, it is essential for the emotional well being of their children. Children do not possess the capacity to effectively verbalize their feelings; therefore, they act them out. Nothing gets lost in a family system, it is either expressed or acted out. When marital conflict occurs in families there is an increasing tension among the two adults. As the anxiety rises with each parent, children begin to feel the shift and internalize the anxiety they are feeling from the family environment. As intense emotions increase, parents will begin to create emotional distance between each other. This is an attempt to create a safer environment by distancing from each other in an effort to decrease intensity. However, more often the outcome is a breakdown in communication, with increased hostility and anger, as well as emotional isolation.
This is when serious problems surface for the child. A child’s anxiety can affect his or her school performance, social relationships, and emotional, as well as physical health. It is essential that parents learn how to co-parent with each other, communicate effectively and maturely, and set aside the personal feelings they have about each other. If they are able to do this then parents will be able to effectively support and respond to the emotional experiences of the children in the family system.
Here are a few suggests to improve communication skills with a co-parent.
First, seek to understand the other party. This person is your co-parent. Avoid blaming him or her and focus yourself on asking questions that promote clarity, as well as communicating in a clear and direct manner. Speaking ambiguously causes people to assume, which can lead to miscommunications and intense reactions fairly quickly. It is a good idea to gain clarity in order to ensure that your co-parent and you are on the same page.
Learn how to have impulse control. Impulse control is the hallmark of maturity. If you are experiencing difficulty controlling your impulses and you notice yourself getting angry quickly it is essential that you begin to recognize your triggers and respond appropriately. This means is that you need to take responsibility for your behaviors and start regulating your emotional reactions. The goal is to respond to your co-parent, not to react to them. Reflect on your behaviors and ask yourself some honest questions: What behaviors do I need to change in order to feel better about myself? How do I encourage this and how do I sabotage this? The goal is to feel proud of your interactions with your co-parent, to change your behaviors, not to change his or her behaviors.
Get together with your co-parent and create a common goal that you are going to be civil for the sake of your children’s emotional and physical health. In order for people, especially children, to communicate vulnerable feelings, they have to feel safe. Learn how to listen. Many people forget how important listening is. A good indicator that you are listening is that you are able to paraphrase and reflect what your child or co-parent has said.
Model reflective listening and mature communication skills for your co-parent. Make a commitment to yourself that you are only going to behave in ways that lead you to feel proud of yourself. If you are behaving in ways that lead to shame and guilt, isolate those behaviors and change them. If high conflict exists between your co-parent and you, learn how to stick to the facts regarding the issue at hand. Practice responding to your co-parent and accept that you cannot change the other person. Keeping yourself in denial about the reality of your relationships will only lead to more anger and resentment.
Notice your nonverbal communication and learn how to control your tone of voice and body language. Many people do not realize that ninety percent of communication is nonverbal. Be aware of how you sound when you communicate with your co-parent. Are you aggressive and intimidating or passive and resentful? Remember to stick to the topics that are being presently discussed and avoid bringing up the past to solve a current problem.
Before speaking to your co-parent accept that you are responsible for your half of the interaction. This means that if you begin to behave in a way that leads to feel shame or guilt it is your responsibility, not your co-parent’s responsibility, to stop behaving in that way. Focus on solutions to your problems and what you want more of.
Be clear on your boundaries. A boundary is what you are willing to or not willing to participate in, not what you want others to do or not do. If your co-parent becomes aggressive or you feel yourself reacting, end the conversation in a mature and respectful manner. An example of how to do this is to simply say, “I am feeling uncomfortable about how I am responding to you. I want to understand where you are coming from and need some time to calm down before I continue this conversation”. Remember to stay away from blaming or accusing your co-parent. Simply express what you are willing and unwilling to allow yourself to participate in and follow through with behaviors that are congruent with your boundaries.
Finally, understand that communication is a skill which requires practice, just like all other skills. If you find that you are repeatedly engaging in communication that is not effective for you, seek professional help from a therapist that can coach your co-parent and through the divorce process and guide you to effectively communicate with each other.
Above all, remember that effective communication with your co-parent is for the sake of your children. It is your responsibility as a parent to model mature and appropriate behaviors for your children. If your goal is to raise a child who will go on to have healthy relationships with others and experience satisfaction in life then learning these skills is essential.