There is an old saying, “History is written by the winners.” In litigation, there are winners and losers. We believe that when parties in crisis choose mediation over litigation, everyone has the potential to come out a winner. If the winners write history, why can’t the winners in a dissolution write their own history?
Fifty years after a divorce, the children and grandchildren of the original divorcing couple will tell and believe a story about why their parents and grandparents divorced, what kind of people they were, and what aftermath or legacy they left behind. A couple going through a dissolution has the opportunity to write what they would like that story to be. By writing that story, and by keeping that story in mind, they can guide their actions and decisions in such a way that the story can become a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. Without having the story as a guideline, the parties are building without a plan, traveling without a map. They’ll build something and end up somewhere, but not with anything or anywhere they would have hoped.
The exercise of having individuals who are going through a dissolution of marriage write a “Joint Divorce Story” is not a new idea. Ron has been recommending it to his clients for years. Unfortunately, few ever take the time to engage in this useful exercise. Oftentimes they confuse the Joint Divorce Story with a mission statement or their short-term goals. The exercise might be more easily understood if it is renamed “The Marriage Eulogy”.
One of our paralegals, Maria, told me that when she was in high school, the nuns had them write their own eulogy as part of a “Death and Dying” class exercise. The idea was that by writing about all the great things they wanted to be remembered for when they died, one might be guided in making decisions during their lives. The Marriage Eulogy has the same goal.
At common law, upon marriage a couple ceased to exist as individuals and became one entity. This concept lives on today as new couples dream about what their married lives will be like. Couples build powerful dreams that take on lives of their own. While divorce never ends a relationship, it does end marriage, and with the end of the marriage, that powerful dream of marriage dies. Couples going through divorce really are witnessing the death of an entity. Psychology informs us that children witnessing the divorce of their parents can be as devastated as a parent losing a child.
Often when we lose somebody important to us, we feel compelled to write a eulogy in honor and memory of that person. A eulogy is not something scrawled in haste. It is not something we compose in our heads while driving. A good eulogy is something we take great pains in writing. It is something we craft and hone and polish so that the result is powerful and evocative. We are trying to sum up the essence of an entire being in a few succinct words. The Marriage Eulogy should be written in such a manner.
When couples are not ready to write a joint eulogy, I have proposed that they write individual eulogies to exchange and reflect on individually. Knowing how your ex-spouse wants your marriage to be remembered by their grandchildren can be a powerful thing.
One might tread more softly and be more thoughtful if mindful of what history could say about them and their life. “I can’t think about my ex in that way yet! It’s too soon.” Okay, but you could write a fairy tale about how a divorce would be remembered. That is a powerful starting place. If we all were to conduct ourselves in accordance with the values and motives of a fairytale hero or heroine, we would all find ourselves kinder, gentler, nobler, and wiser as a result.