1. LISTEN: You have two ears and one mouth. This is your first clue that it is advisable to use the ears more than the mouth. Listen carefully.
2. TAKE NOTES: Write down everything that is said. Keep track of all of the important issues. Write down thoughts or ideas about which you’d like to acquire more information. Wait until the other party has completed before you respond.
3. ASK QUESTIONS: Questions control the process. The person that asks questions is in control of the proceedings. Make no assumptions. Make certain you understand what is being said to you. Take nothing personally. Simply ask questions. Ask as many questions as necessary. Be polite.
4. REPHRASE & REFRAME: It is very helpful to say back to the person who is making a statement what you believe they said. For example: “So I hear you saying that you would like to have full control of the children and not have me involved in the children’s lives. Is that what you’re saying?” This might be the rephrasing of a parent’s statement that, “I want full custody of the children.”
5. TAKE TIME, GO SLOWLY: Make haste slowly. This is a process, not an event. Proceed in a way that allows everyone the time to be heard, to speak what’s on their mind, and to ask all the questions they need to ask.
6. SHOW INTEREST: By showing interest you indicate that you are committed to the process, and send a message of your sincerity to everyone present.
7. SHOW RESPECT: It works to your advantage to be respectful, polite, civil, and to not engage in name calling or hostile acts that are counter productive and destructive to the outcome you seek. Disrespect is counter-productive and destructive.
8. SHOW SADNESS: It is more common for people to express anger, yet anger is a Secondary Emotion. Anger covers Fear. Your fear is that the process will not proceed well. It is much more productive to show sadness than it is to show either fear or anger. Channel your emotions in a way that furthers your interests.
9. NOD YOUR APPROVAL: Let the other side know when they are saying something that makes sense and is congruent with your values. It’s alright to smile, as to nod and smile encourages solutions.
10. AGREE TO NOTHING: You may indicate that you are interested, or that you are pleased. You may express appreciation and gratitude, and acknowledge the other side for their participation. You must, however, state that you must discuss the matter with your attorney before making any decision. Review these important issues with your attorney, so that you have the benefit of the thought, suggestions, ideas, and input of your own counsel. Agree to nothing.